so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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