I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
