My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
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