Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize