I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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