Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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