I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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