I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You're like the curious george of whores
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
