Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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