I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
