I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
