I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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