just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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