I'm gonna have a badass scar
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Randomize
