We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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