I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
