Need sex. Gaining weight.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
