worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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