Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
