Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
