I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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