He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
