My friends, they love my intelligence
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
