Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
