Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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