ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I had to cum in my sink.
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