Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
this boner is exhausting
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
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