If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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