I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
there's paper in my vomit.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
