you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
