I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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