I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
