so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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