I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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