using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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