Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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