If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
