Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
