so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
