My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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