My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
