remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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