the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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