question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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