i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just had sex on a roof
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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