i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
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