I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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