He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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