I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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