i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
